JOURNAL.

I wonder if you'll ever read this, if you ever do, I hope it finds you well.

I often find myself reminiscing about the days and times we spent together before you departed.

recalling the things we'd done together, or what we conversated over. I find myself reminiscing on a lot of things or going back to read the things we spoke about. you occupied a significant portion of my thoughts, even when we were in each other's company, doing what we always loved together.

The absence of your presence has exacerbated these feelings, it drives me insane, I have so much to ask. how have things been for you now that you've moved places? How has your pursuit in college been going, what type of job have you gotten into. Or how the weather has been like in your new residence, are things a lot different? have you been treating yourself well? I also find myself contemplating whether you, like me, murmur a goodnight before going to bed? The same way we always did before we'd rest together? Or how every morning I mumble a goodmorning to you, to myself, just for you like we always did when we'd wake up? Your parting words every time I'd leave to work has made an impact on me. Every time I head off to work, I can't help but ruminate what you'd always tell me before I'd clock in. Each day, my longing for your presence grows, to hear from you, just once more, even if it were a hello or a good night, or those very words I always adored when you'd say it to me. I miss you. And despite all this thinking and yearning, I am left to wonder if you think of me in the same manner. Even now, I sometimes struggle to accept your departure, hoping that this entire time it had been nothing but a dream I can't claw my way out of and when I do, you'd be here again when I awaken. But I know that isn't reality. Wherever you may be, I hope that you have been thriving.

Before you departed, you assured me that some day, you'd return. That you hoped, that upon your arrival, I'd hold no resentment towards you, I find it to be improbable that I could ever harbor such feelings towards you, when you carved a place for yourself. To the point, no matter what I do, I'd forever remain haunted by you, even by the smallest things in life that'd remind me of you, till the day I die.

I don't know when that day of return would ever happen.

there has been so much on my mind that my head feels heavy when it comes to you. It makes my mind feel so clustered, more than ever and all I'm left with is me ruminating over you, down to the very night you left. was this some sort of planned thing to dispose of me from your existence slowly without guilt after everything? Or do I put my trust in you like I always have and pray you'd come back, start fresh with me like you said we would.

I wish I could ask you myself, to get some sort of peace of mind that'd put me at ease, a sancturary from those worries that slowly eat away at me each day and night that passes. I can't help but wonder why you've cut contact everywhere entirely. Did you hold onto everything I gave you before you departed to reach out to me again some day like you promised? will I ever really hear from you again?

I find myself grappling with uncertainty and reality pretty often, I no longer know what to believe anymore. I still have dreams about you, of us and once I awaken, I'm left with a churning in me knowing you aren't by my side anymore like you once were. A part of me yearns to maintain the hope and trust I cling onto like some sort of naive child, that you'd come back and everything will mend to how it once was like you said, I'd get to be within your company, to hear you talk again, all my questions and worries to be answered and soothed. But that's so hard to do when, at the back of my head, there is a nagging doubt that gnaws and tears into me, until nothing of me remains. that I'm making a fool of myself, awaiting the return of someone who may never come back into my life. It has all been a conundrum.

I've sat here each passing day, throughout countless of sleepless nights, checking all I have to see any sign from either of you two, for YOU the most, but I'm always met with nothing, now that i've lost all contact with you both. I cling onto with what I was last given from the two of you, constantly re-reading the last thing I ever saw from him, that message he sent to you, as if you were his homing pigeon, aches me the most to read all over again, sometimes it helps to soothe those worries, but it starts to become so little when my worries grow worse and worse. It's going to be weird celebrating my birthday without you, everything has been weird without YOU, nothing has felt the same since you've been gone.

I wonder if I'd hear a Happy birthday from you. I hope I can meet you again one day.

Good night, you. - 7:08 AM, Phil.